[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Skills
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
*puts cutlery down*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.