Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom