[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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car not found
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I have never related to anyone more.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.