Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You Might Also Like
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
A customer told me they were never coming back….
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
WTF
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know