If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*