*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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