*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ