me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”