Driving in Europe vs Canada
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Investing in beetcoin
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
How your email finds me
Catering service
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”