Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
me, too, girl. me, too.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.