So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know