After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.