I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: