It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I identify as an antique shop.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.