I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.