Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
accurate
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit