this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”