Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
finally found a reasonable question
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
💁🏻♂️
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Self-cleaning conscience
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?