I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Lmao 🤣
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.