*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’d hang this in my house.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.