“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
You Might Also Like
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae