Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue