one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?