If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.