[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”