Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”