Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.