ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.