Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”