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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same