say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too