VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I get distracted pretty eas
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue