God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Sponch
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.