What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.