Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.