“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
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[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care