My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ken is short for chicken
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.