Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*