Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
New Tinder profile.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.