No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Bike for sale
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
thank god the sign was there
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
when mom throws a party…
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.