I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
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In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.