I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.