If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.