I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Money is the root of all wealth
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*