I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage