Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
What?!?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO