Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Anime is real