I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
We need to put an American base on the sun
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing