I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.