I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter